Cutting The Umbilical Cord

In the late 70s, 80s and 90s, styles of parenting did a 180deg turn. Children became the axis on which the family was based. It was a distinct choice amongst most parents to not use violence to discipline and teach children.

Parents chose what made them feel better by removing the aspects of parenting they felt was damaging. This generation was also the first generation in many to openly question authorities rule and stagnant traditions.

There was a rise in divorce, single parenthood, which changed the dynamics between parents and children that the one the parents had with their quite often unhappy and stoic parents.

Fast forward to your child with parents born in the 50s, 60s or even 70s being adults. Since birth, they have always been treated as the most precious, talented, pretty or handsome people in their parents’ universe. Their expectations and resentments should take precedence over their parents’ lives. That is what their relationship as a child and young adult has taught them.

What does this mean for the parent?

Usually, a period of estrangement occurs due to resentment. And the world assesses parents with a microscope, judging how each generation has been raised, pointing the judgemental finger to highlight everything that the parents failed at and place blame at their feet. Parents are left to pick up the pieces of their lives and attempt to rebuild their confidence and self-esteem. This whole process is very damaging to most parent-child relationships.

At some stage, the umbilical cord snaps, and during that time, both the parents and children have a choice. They can either sever ties permanently or begin developing an adult to adult relationship with each other. One that is void of expectations or needs to smother each other or give advice. Continually bringing up the past or treating each other as inferior whilst still fostering feelings of inclusivity and sharing some aspects of each other’s lives.

I wish you all luck when navigating relationships with your adult children, as it’s an excruciating time for most parents when the rage of the children you birthed turns towards you. Being accountable for your mistakes is difficult but necessary. However, allowing your children to use you as their personal football is not, and neither is continual punishment for past mistakes made. Even a criminal is only punished once per misdemeanour, not continually over decades. I personally have faced this challenge and still am in many respects. I chose to stretch and cut that umbilical cord to try and build adult to adult relationships with my children with those of them willing to try. I refuse to be punished anymore for mistakes made in my youth.

Have a great day!

Suzan Moore Mckie.